What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 00:36
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I waited trembling.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
All the time i was locked up.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was seconnd youngest,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I think the readers, may guess!
As i do to all so called friends.?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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Comes on , in middle age.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I write beautiful poetry .
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why are perceived or real slights interpreted as rejections and reality by pwBPD?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I don,t even have a pension.
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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Ive learnt so much.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why do flat-Earthers think the Earth is flat?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
When she asked me how she looked .
Why do some men like older women?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She loved him until the end.
This is soul school!.
It was going to be , some day.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Would this be the day?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My family never makes their pension either.
Put me off passion for life!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im still living with it.
And i lived it daily.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She found it foreign!.
My life is so biszare .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We all went to grammer schools
She wouldn,t have been !
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But, we were locked up after school.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So whats the point in blame.
We were not on the streets..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He resisted the act ,that day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Who then, do I blame.?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Was to survive, this bastard.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I will be 64.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One cannot live in the past .
He knew the spot.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She married twice! .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I said to her
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was in good health!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I have no regrets .
So, i spoilt her more .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But it wasn’t much.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was scared of men, in general
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was 9 years of age.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But ive been too sick for many years..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was very sick at this time too.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
What did i know ?